The Long Road
by SonWuku
Summary: "Oliver had been... my stern older brother; my mentor in all things crimefighting; most of all, though, he had been the one to believe in me. He said I could be better, and I would spend my life trying to live up to those expectations... to be the man he believed I could be." Barry learns of Oliver's death, and grieves in all the wrong ways. WestAllen


_**The Long Road**_

_They say that when someone you love dies, and you aren't expecting it, the loss doesn't hit you all at once. It comes gradually, in bits and pieces; in little, every day things; in ways you wouldn't have noticed, had they still been there. For instance, when you dial their number and no one picks up, or you think, "I can't wait to tell so-and so about this"... and then you realize, you can't._

_... because they're gone._

_I wasn't a stranger to loss. I'd lost both my parents the same night, one to Iron Heights, and another to heights I could never reach. In the years to come, I wouldn't lose just people, but opportunities - missed chances; things I knew I could never get back. When I got my powers, I thought things would finally change... but even as the fastest man alive, it always seems like I'm a day late and a buck short._

_When Felicity called to tell me that Oliver had died, I laughed. It had to be some sort of joke, right? He was the smartest, strongest, most capable man I knew; he'd danced with death before and always came out on top, so why would this time be any different? But days soon turned to weeks; Christmas came and went, and so did New Years' too, and still he didn't return._

_Eventually, as reluctant as I was, I had to accept the truth... and boy, did it hurt. The pain was immeasurable. Some days it was dull, an ache in the back of my chest that was always there; other times, it would just hit me. Out of the blue, like a punch to the gut. Oliver had been... my stern older brother; my mentor in all things crimefighting; but most importantly, though, he was the first person to believe in me._

_And I will never forget that._

_Grief isn't 'one size fits all'... people deal with it in their own, personal ways. Some grieve loudly; with soul shuddering wails and endless weeping. Others grieve more quietly, putting on a strong face for the world, while on inside, they slowly crumble to pieces. I was something of a mixture of both; sitting in dark corners, trying desperately to swallow the lumps in my throat, but never being strong enough to actually do so._

_Eventually, I channeled my grief into action. Oliver always said I was better than him, that I could give hope and inspiration in ways he never could. I didn't believe it... not even for a second; not then, and especially not now._

_But I vowed, from that day forward, to spend my life trying to live up to those expectations... to be the best version of the Flash that I could possibly be..._

_To be that man Oliver always said he saw in me._

_..._

_... of course, he did also say that I'd make a few mistakes along the way. And I did... starting with probably the biggest mistake of them all._

* * *

><p>"I don't think I'm following you, Bear..." Her brows were scrunched tightly with confusion, nose crinkled in the most adorable of ways... he shook his head to clear the thought away. He couldn't think like that; not anymore - not when he'd made up his mind to cut out all unncessary ties with her.<p>

_"Guys like us don't get the girl."_ It was one of the last things Oliver had ever said to him, and Barry believed it best to heed the now dead man's warning. It hurt, having to take back the words he had only recently confessed - words he had held onto for more than half his lifetime - but it was a necessary sacrifice, and one he was willing to take.

"I just... I think I may have been... premature with my emotions," he explained, averting his gaze; because he knew the instant she looked him straight in the eyes, she'd see right through his lie. "I guess I was just so overwhelmed with how quickly you and Eddie seemed to be moving along, that I mistook all these feelings and confused them for something more. I do... love you... but just not in _that_ way."

He exhaled sharply, bracing himself against the deceit.

"More than anything, I guess... I guess I panicked, because I was just afraid I would lose my best friend," he finished, giving her a sheepish grin; hoping she'd take it for embarrassment, rather than the guilt he felt for lying to her.

For several moments, Iris simply stood there and stared, hazel eyes narrowed slightly; as if scrutinizing his every word. Barry knew a silent Iris was an unpredictable Iris, and even to a guy like him - who could read her expressions like an open book - he was having difficulty discerning her thoughts. Eventually, her lips twitched upwards, and Barry could breathe a sigh of relief.

"Oh, Bear!" she cried, throwing her arms over his neck. "I can't believe you would ever think that! You're my _best friend.. my one and only best friend_... and you will always be my number one guy! Don't every forget that, okay? Eddie or no Eddie, you could never lose me."

Barry forced a laugh, hiding the shame in her hair as he returned the embrace, all the while thinking, _'I already have...'_

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: So, that was a thing. Not entirely sure where I'll take this, but I only recently got into the Flash (saw a random re-run, liked it, and spent a few hours watching all 9 episodes online) and have been reading a lot of the fanfiction here lately. Really short, but it was stuck in my head and I just wanted to get it out there. Would love to hear some input! Hope you enjoyed.

- Son


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